How to Break Free From Limerence: A Step-by-Step Guide to Moving On
A battle-tested blueprint for reclaiming your sanity and getting back to your life
A battle-tested blueprint for reclaiming your sanity and getting back to your life
“Infatuation is when you find someone absolutely perfect. Love is when you realize they aren’t perfect and it doesn’t matter.”
— Unknown
Has your mind been hijacked by the very idea of someone?
Normally, you're known for being rational, intelligent, and successful. But suddenly, you're struggling with an unprecedented obsession. You can no longer focus on anything but a person who has consumed your being in a way that makes you question your sanity.
A quick search of your symptoms has led you to the idea of Limerence. While you nod along to the symptoms, the question remains:
How do I solve this?
Fortunately, you've come to the right place. And let me reassure you—I know everything you're going through. Not only have I experienced this myself, but I've also helped countless clients go through the same healing process and reclaim control of their lives.
Because let's not kid ourselves. Dealing with this situation is the most important thing in your life right now.
Because the cost of inaction is enormous:
Lost sense of reality and rationality
Obsessing over someone who doesn't feel the same way (leading to constant pain)
Inability to focus on critical areas of your life such as health, career, and other relationships
Lose time you will never get back
Countless people have spent years in a state of Limerence—and I don't want you to be one of them.
Today, I will share proven methods I've learned to combat Limerence and unhealthy obsessive crushes. These strategies have been battle-tested with many clients and took years to test and approve. Implement these, and you will have a huge chance at success.
Let's get into it.
1 — Understand What Limerence is
You probably know what Limerence is, but let's ensure we are on the same page.
Limerence is defined as follows:
The cognitive and emotional state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, that is typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a desire for reciprocation of one’s feelings
There are four primary signs to be aware of:
You constantly think about the person — often first thing in the morning and last thing before you sleep, including redirecting unrelated conversations to involve this person.
You read into every behaviour, word, and action — from googling signs of attraction, equating meaning from a brief touch or gaze to getting knee-deep in astrology and tarot.
You won't take no for an answer — including reframing rejection as part of the process or believing they need time to realise feelings (read: twin-flames runner-chase theory).
You want them to reciprocate feelings more than anything — i.e. it's more important to get the validation than be in a relationship.
If you experience two or more of the signs above, you can be confident you're dealing with Limerence.
With all that said, the most critical distinction is that Limerence is NOT love.
Appreciating this can be hugely liberating as you begin to accept it as a psychological preoccupation. This gives clarity on the way forward.
2 — Learn the Science and Psychology behind it (Why it's so pervasive)
The next step is understanding the basic science and psychology that makes Limerence so pervasive.
Doing this will dramatically help with self-forgiveness and understanding what keeps the obsession alive.
And as you might have suspected, it's all linked to our brain's reward system.
This intricate network of neural pathways is designed to reinforce behaviours that provide a sense of pleasure or reward. In other words, if it feels good — we want to do it again.
With Limerence, this system starts associating the intense focus on and emotional investment in the limerent object with pleasure. Essentially, you're inadvertently training your brain to light up with dopamine every time you think about or interact with the person of your obsession.
This dopamine release can create a cycle similar to addiction, where you find yourself craving more of these interactions or thoughts to experience that same pleasure or high despite any negative consequences. It's a cycle that can be incredibly difficult to break precisely because it's rooted in the fundamental workings of our brains.
It's also crucial to note that dopamine reacts to a balance between pain and pleasure. You will get more euphoric highs when there is a roller-coaster of emotions (times of struggle and doubt) than if things are always going well.
Note — If you struggle with OCD or an insecure attachment style, you may be more predisposed to experiencing Limerence. This is because of similarities in brain chemistry with OCD and the unmet needs (seen in insecure attachment ), which can be filled by fantasies (Limerent objects).
3 — List Your Obsessive Patterns
Once you're clear on the what and why, it's time to focus on the how.
Your first step is to list all your obsessive patterns of behaviour linked to this person.
Think of stuff like stalking social media, googling signs of attraction, reading into signals, talking with friends, staring at the chat, replaying conversations, etc.
Write them all down — at least 10. If you don't have 10, you're lying to yourself.
Then, rank them in order of difficulty to break. For example, it might be easy not to check horoscopes, but you might struggle with not checking their social media.
Important note: This step isn't about judgement but awareness. It's much easier to make changes when you are fully aware of your starting point.
4 — Focus on Easy Wins
Begin by breaking the easiest patterns from your list.
Here are three excellent principles to guide you.
How can you increase friction? (make something more difficult by increasing the steps to complete it)
How can you remove temptations entirely? (think unfollowing, muting, locking the phone away)
How can you leverage friends? (ask them to catch you talking about the person or point out the humanity/flaws you're not seeing)
We're looking to generate quick momentum that boosts your confidence and steers you away from the default programming that has consumed your brain.
5 — Create a "Go-To" replacement behaviour
This next step can be a game-changer for some people.
In fact, if you do nothing else, then JUST focusing on this will help tremendously.
Identify ONE "go-to" behaviour you will use to replace your obsessive habits.
You can do this whenever you get the urge to look something up, message, stalk social, or spend time daydreaming about the person. It should be simple, easy, and accessible (you can do it anywhere).
You can create your own method, but here are a few that my clients have used with great success:
Create a note on your phone where you journal your thoughts and what you wanted to do
Create a note/picture reminder on your phone that inspires you to stay on track
Have a person you can message without needing a reply just to note you had an urge but resisted it (very effective)
If in doubt, pick one of those above and see how it works for you (start!).
6 — Schedule Activities You Enjoy (Ideally Involving Learning)
When Dorothy Tennov first introduced Limerence to the world, she warned that its primary danger was how easily it distracted individuals from essential parts of their lives, namely careers, health, and other relationships.
Her research even showed how one man developed a 9-year obsession with a coworker, filling 1000 notebooks until he was fired for poor performance.
While that is an extreme example, I have seen many people become completely disassociated from other areas of life.
We also know that Parkinson's law states work expands to fill the time available for completion. Without the structure of other scheduled activities or pursuits, the time we allocate to obsessing over the object of our affection only expands, filling every available moment and thought.
That's why scheduling your time and regularly booking activities you enjoy is crucial.
Every week, you need to have multiple things in your calendar that ensure you are not free to fuel your obsession.
Make them pursuits you genuinely have fun doing, and ideally, something that requires learning a new skill (sport, gym, language, dance, art, singing, anything!).
Get your calendar filled, or you will find yourself filling space with obsession.
7 — Explore Any Potential Projections (Optional)
This is an optional step, but potentially very powerful for some people.
When you fall into Limerence, you often create an illusion of what another person is.
In many cases, this is a direct result of psychological projection — a process in which we disown qualities in ourselves and place them on others.
When we project onto others, we often feel magnetically attracted to them due to an unconscious familiarity or seemingly intense connection. Typically, we see things in another person that don't exist because we've filled gaps of information with our imagination. That's why you might not know someone well yet be so adamant they are incredible (you have yet to have evidence to disprove it).
If you sense this is you, I recommend reading the article below to understand more about this path. It may be one of the most transformative journeys you ever undertake.
Unusually Attracted To Someone? You Might Be Psychologically Projecting
Before you decide it's love, make sure you know the five stages of projection.medium.com
Fastest & Easiest Way — Hire a Coach or Therapist
Finally, if you want the fastest and easiest way to break free of Limerence- hire a coach or therapist.
I am biased here, though this comes from a good place. I have worked with many clients on this issue who have sometimes spent years trying to solve it themselves.
Working with a professional will always help you get the desired result faster. Part of that is through expertise. However, another large factor is your increased investment and the coach's ability to hold you accountable for the goal.
I love coaching because of its pragmatic, action-focused approach. If you prefer therapy, CBT has shown some positive results in dealing with Limerence.
Either is an excellent choice if you've been stuck for a while.
Final Thoughts — Trust the Process
There you have an in-depth blueprint for how to tackle Limerence.
As mentioned, I've used this successfully on myself and with many clients, so I am confident it will work for you.
With that said, I want to let you know one thing.
The reality of Limerence is that you will experience ups and downs, and some days will be more challenging than others.
Because of that, don't expect perfection from yourself. Accept that urges will occasionally compel you to behave in a way you logically know isn't good for you.
Starting and stopping are the biggest mistakes you can make when dealing with this.
Give yourself time — at least three months to make massive progress.
And if you need a hand — don't hesitate to reach out.
Until then…
Make it happen.
If this resonated and you’re ready to stop obsessing, I created a short, practical course to help you break free from limerence — in as little as 2 weeks.
Click here to get the blueprint and reclaim your life.